1. Go to church and do churchy things for what it does for you rather than what you do for others.
2. Talk about God using affected Christianese like "praise the Lord" all the time while purposely keeping your relationships with unchurched people as surface and invulnerable as conceivably possible.
3. Act like since you are a Christian that you think you have all the answers.
4. Make sure your primary emphasis is on being a moral person who is a "testimony" (testimony means you live in a way that makes unchurched people feel ashamed of themselves and think you are really unique and super-moral).
5. Make sure your second priority is to "convict" other people to be more moral.
6. Don't show up to serve at any kind of social service project where "unbelievers" are there helping out.
7. Do show up at all political, anti-gay, anti-abortion rallies wearing a sandwich board sign that says something like "Turn or burn!" and be sure your wife is wearing a doily on her head to look more godly.
8. Do street preaching downtown or in the arts district so you can be sure to ruin people's date nights everywhere (including the date nights of real Christians).
9. Always carry a pack of vintage This Was Your Life Chick tracts.
10. Never enter into a truly quality relationship with anyone who might potentially expose your deep moral and spiritual dysfunction.
11. Refer to the Roman Catholic Church as the "whore of Babylon" because you are sure that is what the King James version means in the book of Revelation. Remain oblivious to the fact that you only have a Bible because of the Catholic Church.
12. Be sure to shun other churches and Christians who don't think the same as you theologically and politically.
13. Be sure to turn red and slobber on people's faces when you scream at them.
14. Build a website to share all your views plus animated links to your multilevel home business opportunity.
15. Be sure you have an Elijah complex that you are one of the last godly people in the world. Make sure your prayers are always focused on the sins of other Christians and the unchurched culture so that you remain oblivious to your own.
16. Stay far away from real Christian community that might expose your deep brokenness and hypocrisy. Maintain the posture that you need to keep yourself pure by not worshiping with all the apostate Christian churches.
17. Read the Left Behind series and tell people that the locusts in the book of Revelation are definitely black helicopters owned by the international bankers.
18. Be sure to thank God that you are not like other people.
Gosh, I'd like to respond, but I might become unclean... :)
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